Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 26 min
Genre: Drama, Horror, Thriller
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Cory Knauf, Samuel Child, Joseph McKelheer, Mackenzie Firgens, Rebekah Hoyle, Brittany Daniel

Amazon Link: The Hamiltons

SYNOPSIS: A low-budget frightener about a seemingly picture-perfect suburban family who harbors a terrible secret. When their parents are killed in a tragic accident, the eldest Hamilton sibling David (Samuel Child) relocates the family to a quiet California suburb and assumes the responsibility of caring for his orphaned siblings Wendell (Joseph McKelheer), Darlene (Mackenzie Firgens), and Francis (Cory Knauf). While twins Wendell and Darlene seem to share a incestuous bond that segregates them from the rest of the family, Francis the angst-ridden emo teen, acquires a video camera and sets out to film his family for a school project. As the all-seeing camera begins to reveal something malevolent in the Hamilton’s home, the youngest sibling is forced to choose between following family traditions or sparing the lives of his family’s victims.

Having seen several of the 2006 After Dark Horrorfest films, I’m beginning to think that I’ve been duped by the marketing machine at Lionsgate. The trailers and web site would have you believe that Liongate has gathered a horrorifying bevy of flicks as too “extreme” for normal audiences. So far, the only After Dark title worth watching has been Gravedancers. Others like Penny Dreadful and Dark Ride were lame at best. However, the worst so far is The Hamiltons – an amateurish, emo mess that deserves nothing less than an honored place in the direct-to-video bargain bin. The Hamiltons is directed by Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores under the moniker, The Butcher Brothers. With a name like that I had visions of a pair of disreputable gomers selling ‘homemade’ gorno movies out of the back of their Buick Regal, but the reality of their creative juices is far worse.

The Hamiltons are an orphaned group of siblings having difficulty adjusting to life after the death of their parents. Eldest brother David has taken up the patriarchal mantle and does his best keeping to support the family, when he isn’t busy trolling for homosexual drifters and transients. The twins Wendell and Darlene are extremely close after their parents’ death. How close? Well… to put it bluntly, they are incestuously close. The only ‘normal’ member of the family is the younger, angst-ridden brother Francis, who seems to have escaped the bizarre hunger afflicting his siblings. Oh, and then there is the unseen creature locked-up in the basement behind a chained door. So far the premise might sound intriguing, but trust me it isn’t nearly as good as it sounds.

While the DVD cover art suggests this is just another bandwagon-jumping slice of ‘torture-porn’, the reality is actually somewhat different and everyone in the room is now dumber for having watched it (apologies to Billy Madison). Feeling more like an indie drama written by emo kids than a horror flick, the movie is jam-packed with all the things that make low budget films so irritating: Clumsy screenwriting, wooden acting, stagnant pacing and a delusional sense of self-importance running rampant throughout.

You could probably describe The Hamiltons as Party of Five or Dawsons Creek with cannibals, incest and relatives locked behind closed doors ala V.C. Andrews, but that’d be way too kind. The Hamiltons feels more like an hour-long After School Special grafted to a few scenes of murder and mayhem. Viewers are supposed to find it ceaselessly shocking that the 4 ‘teen-somethings dabble in kidnapping, murder, blood-drinking and (of course) incest, but the story is presented in such dry and formless fashion, it’s tough to really care about the mess, bloody or otherwise. And the less said about the two ‘twists’ (what’s actually wrong with the family and what is in the box) the better, mainly because they’re predictable but also because they’re just stupid.

Goozlepipe Rating:Hated it

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