Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 26 min
Genre: Drama, Horror, Thriller
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Cory Knauf, Samuel Child, Joseph McKelheer, Mackenzie Firgens, Rebekah Hoyle, Brittany Daniel

Amazon Link: The Hamiltons

SYNOPSIS: A low-budget frightener about a seemingly picture-perfect suburban family who harbors a terrible secret. When their parents are killed in a tragic accident, the eldest Hamilton sibling David (Samuel Child) relocates the family to a quiet California suburb and assumes the responsibility of caring for his orphaned siblings Wendell (Joseph McKelheer), Darlene (Mackenzie Firgens), and Francis (Cory Knauf). While twins Wendell and Darlene seem to share a incestuous bond that segregates them from the rest of the family, Francis the angst-ridden emo teen, acquires a video camera and sets out to film his family for a school project. As the all-seeing camera begins to reveal something malevolent in the Hamilton’s home, the youngest sibling is forced to choose between following family traditions or sparing the lives of his family’s victims.

Having seen several of the 2006 After Dark Horrorfest films, I’m beginning to think that I’ve been duped by the marketing machine at Lionsgate. The trailers and web site would have you believe that Liongate has gathered a horrorifying bevy of flicks as too “extreme” for normal audiences. So far, the only After Dark title worth watching has been Gravedancers. Others like Penny Dreadful and Dark Ride were lame at best. However, the worst so far is The Hamiltons – an amateurish, emo mess that deserves nothing less than an honored place in the direct-to-video bargain bin. The Hamiltons is directed by Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores under the moniker, The Butcher Brothers. With a name like that I had visions of a pair of disreputable gomers selling ‘homemade’ gorno movies out of the back of their Buick Regal, but the reality of their creative juices is far worse.

The Hamiltons are an orphaned group of siblings having difficulty adjusting to life after the death of their parents. Eldest brother David has taken up the patriarchal mantle and does his best keeping to support the family, when he isn’t busy trolling for homosexual drifters and transients. The twins Wendell and Darlene are extremely close after their parents’ death. How close? Well… to put it bluntly, they are incestuously close. The only ‘normal’ member of the family is the younger, angst-ridden brother Francis, who seems to have escaped the bizarre hunger afflicting his siblings. Oh, and then there is the unseen creature locked-up in the basement behind a chained door. So far the premise might sound intriguing, but trust me it isn’t nearly as good as it sounds.

While the DVD cover art suggests this is just another bandwagon-jumping slice of ‘torture-porn’, the reality is actually somewhat different and everyone in the room is now dumber for having watched it (apologies to Billy Madison). Feeling more like an indie drama written by emo kids than a horror flick, the movie is jam-packed with all the things that make low budget films so irritating: Clumsy screenwriting, wooden acting, stagnant pacing and a delusional sense of self-importance running rampant throughout.

You could probably describe The Hamiltons as Party of Five or Dawsons Creek with cannibals, incest and relatives locked behind closed doors ala V.C. Andrews, but that’d be way too kind. The Hamiltons feels more like an hour-long After School Special grafted to a few scenes of murder and mayhem. Viewers are supposed to find it ceaselessly shocking that the 4 ‘teen-somethings dabble in kidnapping, murder, blood-drinking and (of course) incest, but the story is presented in such dry and formless fashion, it’s tough to really care about the mess, bloody or otherwise. And the less said about the two ‘twists’ (what’s actually wrong with the family and what is in the box) the better, mainly because they’re predictable but also because they’re just stupid.

Goozlepipe Rating:Hated it

Popularity: 1%

“I thought you of all people would appreciate efforts to deconstruct the colonialist paternalistic agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the Tanga te Whenua and erodes the natural resources of Aotearoa.”
Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 27 min
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Nathan Meister, Danielle Mason, Peter Feeney, Tammy Davis, Glenis Levestam, Tandi Wright, Oliver Driver, Matthew Chamberlain

Amazon Link: Black Sheep

SYNOPSIS: An experiment gone horribly wrong turns flocks of docile sheep into zombie sheep in this black comedy by Jonathan King. When the death of his father and probataphobia, fear of sheep, brings him to the verge of a nervous breakdown, skilled farmer, Henry Oldfield (Nathan Meister), leaves the family farm. Fifteen years later, Henry discovers that his brother, Angus (Peter Feeney), has been performing genetic experiments on the sheep. Unfortunately for both the brothers and everyone else, the experiments have produced a strain of sheep that crave human flesh and will stop at nothing to satisfy their hunger.

In New Zealand, there are more 10 sheep for every person. Therefore, it can be assumed that it was only a matter of time before someone from that part of the world made a movie about the sheep. That person is Jonathan King. And as far black comedies go, King’s zombie sheep flick reminds viewers a great of deal of Edgar Wright’s zom com, Shaun of the Dead.

The Oldfield farm has been in the family for a hundred years but when dad dies, younger brother Henry moves away with a vicious phobia of sheep leaving older, evil brother Angus to mind the farm. Unfortunately, Angus has no interest in traditional farming and has adopts a genetic program to create a better sheep: the Oldfield.

When a pair of well-intentioned animal rights activists accidentally release one of the mutant sheep, they unwittingly trigger an ovine massacre. One bite from one of these genetic freaks has the power to turn regular sheep into rampaging bloodthirsty beasts Humans bitten are transformed into a monstrous were-sheep.

Now Henry has to overcome more than his phobia as he faces flesh-eating sheep with blood-soaked muzzles. He gets some help from the local farmhand Tucker (Tammy Davis) and a cute vegan named Experience (Danielle Mason).

Black Sheep is a horror-comedy, light on the horror (not the gore) and heavy on the comedy. Director Jonathan King wastes no time plunging in full-scale: The blood is hot and copious, the wool white and fluffy, and the dialogue and situations every bit as silly as you might expect. Black Sheep is more of a gross-out black comedy than a smartly crafted take on the zombie genre. But the film definitely has many hilarious moments. I give King credit for a clever twist on the zombie/gore formula; however, this isn’t the first time that warm and fuzzy creatures have turned lethal. There’s the killer rabbit from Monty Python’s Holy Grail and the unforgettable Night of the Lepus. Nonetheless, Black Sheep does deserve kudos for taking the genre to a nasty yet grossly funny extreme: Its a film that’s not sheepish about gore or the violence of the lambs. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Popularity: 3%

Chris Healy over at Cookie Magazine lists their top 25 favorite family films. Here’s the list (the comments are ours):

• The Goonies (1985, PG) – A bit potty-mouthed for a ‘family’ movie: There’s some language in it and some suggestive material that parents may not want to expose their kids to just yet. If The Goonies had been made today, it would have garnered a PG-13 rating instead of the PG rating.
• Babe (1995, G)
• The Sound of Music (1965, G)
• Singin’ In the Rain (1952, G)
• Finding Nemo (2003, G)
• Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971, G) – Go with the original – we reccomend avoiding Burton’s 2007 attempt to remake Willy into a cross between Wacko and Weirdo.
• Toy Story (1995, G) – We would have also added Pixar’s Toy Story II and Monsters Inc. to the list.
• Spirited Away (2001, PG)
• Mary Poppins (1964, G)
• March of the Penguins (2005, G)
• The Princess Bride (1987, PG)
• E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982, PG) – If you can find a copy, go for the original 1982 version, not the 2002 ‘enhanced’ version. Commentary on new version: “I can’t watch the version that has the changes without it distracting me. I have seen this movie so many times as a kid, that I know it by heart/ I actually anticipate every scene, every line, every shot. When I get to a point where a change has been made, it is like a slight bump in the road. ‘Oh, look they changed that’ or ‘They changed that line’ or ‘That shot has been cut.’ It takes me out of the movie for just a second, and when there are so many changes that you are constantly being taken out of the movie, it ruins it.”
• The Wizard of Oz (1939, G)
• Happy Feet (2006, PG)
• The Lady and the Tramp (1955, G) – Avoid the direct-to-video Lady and the Tramp II – Scamp’s Adventure. It’s sad that this is what Disney has come to – taking successful films, and turning them into lamed, limping sequels.
• The Parent Trap (1961, G) – Go with the original, 1998′s remake is a bit too racy for young children
• The Muppet Movie (1979, G)
• Shrek (2001, PG) – Shrek takes a very un-Pixar approach to family entertainment by resorting to crudities, bathroom humor and profanity that will give pause to families, particularly those with younger children.
• Star Wars (1977, PG)
• Freaky Friday (1976, G)
• Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-rabbit (2005, G)
• The Iron Giant (1999, PG) – Our only complaint with this film is the heavy-handed anti-gun message: hunters are cold-blooded killers and guns serve no purpose but to harm — good movie, bad anti-gun propaganda.
• The Bad News Bears (1976, PG) – raunchy, tasteless humor and the 2005 remake is no better. Definitely NOT a family movie. What was Cookie Magazine thinking?
• A Little Princess (1995, G)
• My Neighber Totoro (1988, G) – The animation is absolutely stunning and the story is deceptively simple, told with patient, subtle attention to detail.

Popularity: 1%

“By dulling the blade of tyranny, I reconciled Rome to the monarchy.”
Release: 1977
Runtime: 10 hours, 50 min (13-part miniseries)
Genre: Drama, History
Language: English
MPAA Rating: N/A
Starring: Derek Jacobi, Siân Phillips, Brian Blessed, George Baker, John Hurt, Margaret Tyzack, Ian Ogilvy, Frances White, John Paul

Amazon Link: I, Claudius

SYNOPSIS: Do you think history is boring? I, Claudius is proof that history can be popular and entertaining as any soap opera. The 1977 mini-series, starring many well-known theatrical performers of the day, I, Claudius is one of, if not the, greatest productions proving that the lofty and the sordid were not mutually exclusive. The miniseries offers a politically astute version of history that reveals what happened when the togas came off.

This popular 13-episode BBC mini-series makes for irresistible viewing whether you have any interest in the early history of the Roman Empire or not. Covering the period from the later years of Augustus’s rule (27BC – 14AD) as the first emperor of Rome to the death of Emperor Claudius (October 13, 54AD), I, Claudius peers at the social and political underpinnings and developments of the Roman Empire through the eyes of Claudius, an often-overlooked member of the emperor’s family.

Historically, his family, the Julio-Claudians, kept Claudius out of public life until his sudden elevation to emperor at the age of 49. A young male connected to the family line of Emperor Augustus, Claudius suffers from a stammer, a limp, and various nervous tics, which made him appear mentally deficient (currently believed to be Cerebral Palsy or Tourette Syndrome). However, Claudius maintained a keen intellect, and observed the events around him with meticulous precision.

Based on two novels (I, Claudius and Claudius the God) by historian Robert Graves, I, Claudius delves into conspiracies, ruthless murders and cover-ups, betrayal, seduction and madness; where scheming men wore togas and struggled for power while the women got married and stayed in the background – sometimes in the best position of all when it came to moving their chess pieces around.

Claudius, (Derek Jacobi) who twitches his head and stammers over every other word, watches his friends and relations die off, one by one, poisoned by the ruthless and destructive Livia (Sian Phillips) as she grooms her son Tiberius (George Baker) to become the second emperor of Rome.

First, however, Livia must deal with the mercurial first emperor, Augustus (Brian Blessed), loved by all. This vital, vibrant figure is desperate to find an heir whom he can bestow the Imperial legacy: He is not particularly fond of Tiberius. It becomes almost comic as Augustus chooses new favorites, and one by one, Livia poisons or frames them for crimes they did not commit.

Young Claudius learns quickly to play the fool. He does a fine job avoiding Livia’s deadly notice, since the series cuts back and forth between Claudius the younger and his last days as an old, wizened, wise emperor in 54 A.D., poring over his biography and fretting over the fate of his maniacal son, Nero (Christopher Biggins).

There aren’t many things wrong with this series. In spite of its length, it rarely drags, and the story is so complex that it would not have been possible to do it in a shorter space of time. The main advantage in adapting the novels is that they contain very little actual dialogue, so the writer, Jack Pulman, was able to make the characters talk in a style that is comfortable for modern viewer. One could complain that it should have been shot on film rather than videotape, but at least the performances are uniformly excellent regardless of the format. The murders, double-crossings, and various affairs seem to be drawn from a fictional paperback found on drugstore shelves – not in the pages of a history book. Nevertheless, I Claudius stays true to the written accounts of Roman Emperor Claudius.

With superb theatrical performances by the entire cast, I, Claudius is an engrossing storyline about the true-to-life people and events that shaped the history of ancient Rome. Like popular prime-time soap operas, viewers are captivated by the intrigue surrounding the various characters without even realizing they’re learning history in the process. Given its historical accuracy, brilliant dialogue, and ingenious performances, I, Claudius is compulsive entertainment that moves at a breakneck pace.

Popularity: 2%

“Poetry doesn’t belong to those who write it; it belongs to those who need it”
Release: 1995
Runtime: 1 hour, 48 min
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: Italian/Spanish, English subtitles
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Philippe Noiret, Massimo Troisi, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Renato Scarpa, Linda Moretti
Amazon Link: Il Postino

SYNOPSIS: Seeking refuge from an arrest warrant on this small Italian island, the exiled Chilean poet, Pablo Neruda (Philippe Noiret) helps a simple man, Mario Ruoppolo (Massimo Troisi), find new purpose and joy through the beauty of poetry. Mario is simple man, resigned to the monotony of life on a quiet Italian island. All that changes with the arrival of Neruda, who suddenly becomes the island’s resident celebrity.

Based on the novel “Burning Patience” by Antonio Skarmeta, the movie details the life of Mario Ruoppolo who yearns for more than a fisherman’s life and dreams of better things.

Life in the simple fishing community takes on new meaning for Mario when he accepts a job as a postman for a single address, that of the famous Pablo Neruda. Everyone else on the island, we are told, is illiterate. Mario must bicycle to see Neruda at a remote hilltop outpost the writer shares with his wife, whom he treats grandly and addresses as “Amor.”

At first, Mario’s expeditions to see Neruda are cautious and polite, with Mario engaged in amusing rehearsals for each brush with greatness. Then the postman begins to grow bold. He’d like a better autograph than the “Regards, Pablo Neruda” that his first request elicits.

Touched by the younger man’s guilelessness, the poet is moved to show Mario that life on the island doesn’t need the services of a visiting poet: It already has a poetry of its own.

There’s a romantic subplot about Mario’s insistence that poetry have some practical application beyond the expression of one’s soul: For Mario intends to use poetry to win himself the beautiful Beatrice (Maria Grazia Cucinotta), who’s not much of a reader but likes being compared to a butterfly. In the process of winning her over, Mario uses a few of the Neruda’s lines to great success.

Eventually, Mario marries Beatrice and all seems to have ended happily. Unfortunately, the movie then proceeds through a series of tragic events culminating in Mario aligning himself with the Italian communists and participating in a fatal protest rally.

“The Postman” would be sickeningly sentimental if it hammered home its message too insistently. But in fact, the story is expressed with gentle grace, and it is tempered by the nuances of simple friendship between two people who both revere its own grace.

Note: There is a hint of Cyrano de Bergerac to this story, in that Mario relies on his friend’s words to seduce his love until he gains confidence in his own voice.

Awards Notes:
1995 Academy Awards Nominations
Best Picture of the Year
Best leading role actor – Massimo Troisi
Best Director – Michael Radford
Best Original Score – Luis Bacalov
Best screenplay based on previously published media – Anna Pavignano, Michael Radford, Furio Scarpelli, Giacomo Scarpelli, Massimo Troisi

Goozlepipe Rating:Really Liked It

Popularity: 1%