I am a great tracker. My pack sent me on a special mission, all by myself. Have you seen a bird? I am going to find one, and I am on the scent. I am a great tracker; did I mention that?

Release: 2009
Runtime: 1 hour, 36 min
Genre: Family, Animation, Comedy, Adventure
Language: English
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Edward Asner, Christopher Plummer, Jordan Nagai, Bob Peterson, John Ratzenberger

Amazon Link: Pixar’s UP

SYNOPSIS: Young Carl Fredrickson meets an adventure-minded girl named Ellie. Both dream of moving to Paradise Falls, an isolated plateau in South America. Seventy years later, Ellie has died and Carl is determined to fulfill their dreams of moving to Paradise Falls. When Carl inadvertently hits a construction worker, he is sentenced to a retirement home. But before they can take him away, he and his house fly away, along with a stowaway: an eight-year-old boy named Russell. Together, they embark in an adventure, encountering talking dogs, and a lost hero turned villain, and a rare bird named Kevin.

Up to this point, I have enjoyed Pixar’s movies, with the exception of the revulsion-inducing, vermin-infested “Ratatouille.” Even “Cars,” which was a bit too NASCAR for me, had a great story and fabulous characters. “Up,” unfortunately, does not meet Pixar’s previously high standards for storytelling.

Up’s uninteresting story of the old widower and his stowaway is technically competent with moments of visual inspiration: Carl’s balloons are like translucent gumballs, sunlight shines through them midflight and suffuses a little girl’s room with color. But heavy-handed sentimentality and a goofy, uninteresting script trump those artistic points. (more…)

Popularity: 6%

“This one’s for connoisseurs of the ‘totally preposterous crap’ school of fantasy cinema. You know who you are: You have all the Warlock sequels on Laserdisc, the complete Leprechaun series on DVD, and go see Uwe Boll movies on opening weekend.” — Luke Y. Thompson of L.A. Weekly

Release: 2007
Runtime: 1 hour, 30 min
Genre: Action, Drama, Fantasy
Language: English/Korean
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Starring: Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, Robert Forster, Jack Craig Robinson, Aimee Garcia

Amazon Link: Dragon Wars

SYNOPSIS: A young woman possesses the reincarnated power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an omnipotent, celestial dragon with her ultimate sacrifice. But the forces of darkness are out to seize the young woman while her reincarnated lover and his aged mentor stand in their way.

When viewing Dragon Wars, it should be noted to leave your brain at the door. That way, when you start hearing things involving good and evil dragons, reincarnated warriors, and such, you’ll just smile and watch the eye candy. This film is geared toward the sensibilities of young kids. In other words, my six and eight year-olds loved it. The story, what little there is, isn’t of much concern here. For the most part, Dragon Wars is actually kind of enjoyable, in a really dumb, cheesy kind of way – think of a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. As a matter of fact, the only uniquely interesting thing about the movie is that it isn’t an American production, but an Asian one, specifically South Korea.

Supposedly based on an ancient Korean legend, a 200-meter-long evil serpent called Buraki is denied a chance at immortality when two young lovers, who are to perform the ceremony, run away and leap to their deaths in 1507 AD. 500 years later in Los Angeles, the man is reincarnated as American news reporter Ethan (Jason Behr), who as a child was given a powerful pendant by an elderly antiques dealer named Jack (Robert Forster) and now has to find the reincarnated woman, Sarah (Amanda Brooks), before her 20th birthday.

“D-War” is a film that looks and sounds amazing, in theory, but the execution is so poor that you’ll rightfully feel that you’ve been cheated by the time the credits roll. The film’s human players are paper-thin caricatures and deliver cheap, insipid dialogue in scenes that rarely connect. More importantly, when you pay to see a movie called Dragon Wars, you expect it to, at least, live up to its title. The biggest flaw of Hyung-rae Shim’s film is that it barely even does that, focusing most of its energy on a mumbo-jumbo plot about destiny: Dialogue about fate and destiny peppered with more weird names than you can shake a stick at takes up about half the running time, and it just plain confusing. On more than one occasion, a character asks another, “what are you talking about?” and you get the impression that no one really knows the answer.

But you don’t come to a movie called Dragon Wars for the story or the performances. You want to see some tail stomping and some flame throwing. And for a few minutes in the final reel, D-Wars delivers. There are two sequences – an attack on Los Angeles by the armies of evil and the final battle between the good and bad dragon – where D-War finally delivers. In fact, the attack sequence is clearly what the entire film was built around; an impressive battle between flying creatures and helicopters that almost feels like it was transported from a better movie.

“D-War” unfortunately comes off as cousin to the American adaptation of “Godzilla” (1998) than anything that is uniquely Korean. Also, the story seems to take itself a little too seriously, the acting and direction seem mediocre at best, and the execution is flawed; maybe the director was trying to do too much without really working out the material in greater detail first.

All in all, Dragon Wars is what it is, and if you’re interested in it for whatever reasons, then chances are that you know what you’re getting here: Another “B”-grade monster movie. With no blood or nudity, virtually no bad language, and monsters galore, Shim’s picture is suitable for youngsters and delivers enough goofy fun to keep adults from getting too restless. When asked why they liked the movie, my children replied, “because it has giant dragons,” and for kids that’s a perfectly fine rationale.

Goozlepipe Rating:Liked it

Popularity: 4%

Prophecy (740-680 B.C.): Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.
Isaiah 7:14

Fulfillment: But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins. Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.
Matthew 1:20-23

Popularity: 1%

“As you sow, so shall you reap!”

Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 34 min
Genre: Horror
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Lori Heuring, Scout Taylor-Compton, Chloe Moretz, Geoffrey Lewis

Amazon Link: Wicked Little Things

SYNOPSIS: Wicked Little Things” tells the tale of the recently-widowed Karen Tunny and her two daughters, Sarah and Emma, who move to a remote mountain home inherited from the family of her late husband. Unbeknownst to Karen, the three of them are not as alone as they assumed. The home lies near an old mine abandoned almost a hundred years before, after a tragic cave-in killed a group of children who were forced to work there.

After Dark Films billed Horrorfest as “a weekend of horror films that are considered to graphic or too disturbing for general audiences.” Ok, let’s not beat around the bush. That announcement isn’t just a marketing statement; it is a boldface lie to separate patrons from their money. Most of these films are crap and a waste of time (The Gravedancers being the exception so far).

Wicked Little Things starts with a great premise: In 1913, children laboring in a Pennsylvania mine are killed by callous adults supervising the mine. Glimpses of kids in mining gear, rickety elevators, dynamite, and tight spaces let us know we are in for something cruel. Some of the early scenes, reminded me of Neil Marshall’s feature, The Descent. Not for the creatures, but the claustrophobic atmosphere: There is a primal fear associated with tight spaces – especially rocky places, deep underground. Unfortunately, the scenes within the mine are limited, from that point we leave the panic-inducing confines of the mine to never return. The film effectively throws away the scare-rich environment and never really recovers.

Flash forward to the present: From some fairly painful dialogue, we learn that recently widowed Karen Tunny (Lori Heuring) and her two daughters, Sarah (Scout Taylor-Compton) and Emma (Chloe Moretz) are headed to an inherited homestead in the backwoods of Pennsylvania. We are introduced to Sarah, the archetypal teen daughter, probably 15 or 16 years old – a real handful. We’ve seen this character a thousand times, gallivanting around town, complaining about her parent(s), and hating the move; and of course, the little sister who makes the film’s first contact with the deceased children. In the new home, it is apparent that things are awry. Bugs, bad plumbing, dark, rotted wallpaper, and a bloodstained front door – the usual ingredients that make up a spooky house are present. Not to mention the creepy neighbors living in the woods, with interesting tales about the haunted hills and what takes place at night.

Once night falls, gangs of undead children roam the hills seeking fresh meat. Although the kids are described as zombies by local teens, they are actually some kind of hybrid ghost-zombie, a ?ghombie? maybe. The deceased appear only at night to exact their revenge as flesh devouring phantoms, so the term zombie fits. Although the gore scenes are relatively rare, when we do get a glimpse, the pay-off is realistic. Some scenes show us what the ravaged corpses look like once the deed is done, and it isn’t pretty. Furry carcasses are scattered all through the woods, and there is one scene involving a pig, which may upset some novice horror fans. While these gore effects are above par, these zombies are not. The zombies are little more than kids with white faces.

There’s not really much more that can be said about this movie. The bad heavily outweighs the good and the audience is asked to swallow way too many clichés. For instance: There’s the little girl who makes friends with the monster; Townsfolk who know EVERYTHING but choose to not say anything; Newspaper clippings chronicling everything about the “incident”; woods atmospheric with dense fog; a dark legacy of an evil family, and the ubiquitous walking around in a dark house.

In addition to the other problems, a good portion of this movie was very dark and hard to see. Filmmakers should realize that dark does not necessarily equal scary” When a movie is that dark, it’s more annoying than anything else.

Unfortunately, Wicked Little Things falls prey to the unsettling trend in modern horror films, where the conclusion requires gift-wrap and a bow, implying that audiences are too stupid to connect the dots in the plot. Undeniably boring and formulaic to the point of frustration, Wicked Little Things telegraphs every action: People pop into sight right when you’d expect them to, deliver the cheesy lines you’d wish they wouldn’t, and die exactly the way they would in any other movie. This sleeping pill of a movie and everyone involved is what’s hurting horror films these days. If you’re looking for a safe alternative to sleep medication, try Wicked Little Things.

Popularity: 2%

“You just can’t find good paranormal help, these days.”

Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 35 min
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Dominic Purcell, Josie Maran, Clare Kramer, Marcus Thomas, Tchéky Karyo , Megahn Perry

Amazon Link: The Gravedancers

SYNOPSIS: Three twenty-somethings learn the hard way about proper cemetery behavior in this independent horror film by Mike Mendez. Harris (Dominic Purcell), Sid (Marcus Thomas), and Kira (Josie Maran) are three longtime friends reunited when their college pal, Devin, dies in an auto accident. After attending Devin’s funeral, the three stage an impromptu, graveside wake. Before long, the revelers are singing and dancing around the cemetery, trampling nearby graves. Later, the friends discover they’ve made a serious mistake; they’ve awakened very angry spirits.

After watching several films from 2006’s Horrorfest, I was really beginning to doubt that there was anything redeeming about the group. For the most part the collection is a compendium of artless, cheap rip-offs, studio hybrids, and needless remakes, none of which demonstrate much success in scaring audiences. The sole exception so far has been Mendez’s The Gravedancers, a breath of competently fresh air. From the brutally shocking opening scene through to the Evil Dead-esque CGI finale, this is indie sports scares the likes of which we seldom see. The script is fresh and somewhat clever, the performances are for the most part solid (Marcus Thomas would be the sole exception), the production values are good, and the score is great – particularly for an indie production.

The film’s story is fairly simple: Dominic Purcell (of Prison Break and Blade: Trinity) plays Harris McKay, a successful lawyer who lives with his wife Allison (Clare Kramer) in wedded bliss. But when an old friend dies in a car crash and Harris is reunited with his old college pals Kira (Josie Maran) and Sid (Marcus Thomas), their lives go from paradisiacal to paranormal. Kira, Harris, and Sid visit their pal’s grave in the middle of the night, drink and reminisce, and find a strange card with an oddly apropos poem; caught up in the moment, the group read and dances in tribute to their friend. Little do they know the words on the black card were not harmless; they’ve accidentally activated an ancient “gravedancing curse” that will make their lives a living hell.

There are many horror movie no-nos such as don’t go in the dark basement, and stuff like that. Here is another one: If you find a strange card in a graveyard, don’t read it aloud. This brings me to one of the few problems I have with the film. These people are obviously not teens, what we’re dealing with here are supposedly young adults. You would think these people… who seem to be in their mid 20s, wouldn’t even be taking part in shenanigans like these. Who goes to a cemetery for a freaking nightcap? If one of your friends suggests such a thing… maybe it’s time to seek out some new friends.

From that point, things start quietly enough, with a few strange sounds here and there and the tendency of doors to open and close on their own. Soon there’s someone playing the piano when no one’s in the living room and a strange, female nutjob appears in Harris’ bedroom vanishing into thin air. When Harris and Allison contact the others, they find that Kira has been beaten and sexually assaulted, and Sid has a team of paranormal scientists in his apartment investigating a series of spontaneous fires.

The paranormal experts explain that the three have disturbed the spirits upon whose graves they danced, and those ghosts (a jealous woman with an axe, ten-year-old boy who burned to death in a fire he started, and a psychotic rapist) have one lunar cycle to exact their revenge. As the attacks become more frequent and more violent, the bonds between the three friends give way to old jealousies and petty rivalry.

Second complaint: Although the ghost/creature designs are rather chilling and off the wall, the ghosts from House on Haunted Hill (1999) and 13 Ghosts were far more aggressive and dangerous than these three phantoms. You would expect them to be making these peoples lives a living hell. Instead, they seem more content with screwing with their heads. This is explained away later on in the film when Karyo’s character Vincent tells the group that the ghosts will become more violent as the curse’s cycle nears it’s end.

The paranormal experts might have a way to reverse the curse – but will they complete the ritual in time, and will it even work? As things get more desperate and the spirits get stronger, things get far more complicated than expected – soon enough there are explosions, crashes, flying objects, possessions, and enough assorted spectral misconduct to put Hell House to shame.

The Gravedancers has many things going for it. For one, it’s a “grown-up” horror movie that trades in sex-crazed emo teens for slightly older, more fleshed-out characters. They’re also more complex and likeable than your standard horror victims. The characters go through a number of harrowing events and for the most part, their reactions to the increasingly bizarre things happening to them are believably realistic. There’s a nice balance of sensible curiosity and legitimate panic that rings true on numerous levels. Purcell is a grounding force as the somewhat inexpressive, stubborn Harris (his character was the first to settle down), and the more colorful characters play off him nicely.

As Horrorfest’s rose among several thorns, The Gravedancers, is a solid addition to the haunting subgenre. Fans of spooky classics like Poltergeist, Legend of Hell House, and even The Entity will find this film right up their alley.

Goozlepipe Rating:Really Liked It

Popularity: 4%