“This one’s for connoisseurs of the ‘totally preposterous crap’ school of fantasy cinema. You know who you are: You have all the Warlock sequels on Laserdisc, the complete Leprechaun series on DVD, and go see Uwe Boll movies on opening weekend.” — Luke Y. Thompson of L.A. Weekly

Release: 2007
Runtime: 1 hour, 30 min
Genre: Action, Drama, Fantasy
Language: English/Korean
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Starring: Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, Robert Forster, Jack Craig Robinson, Aimee Garcia

Amazon Link: Dragon Wars

SYNOPSIS: A young woman possesses the reincarnated power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an omnipotent, celestial dragon with her ultimate sacrifice. But the forces of darkness are out to seize the young woman while her reincarnated lover and his aged mentor stand in their way.

When viewing Dragon Wars, it should be noted to leave your brain at the door. That way, when you start hearing things involving good and evil dragons, reincarnated warriors, and such, you’ll just smile and watch the eye candy. This film is geared toward the sensibilities of young kids. In other words, my six and eight year-olds loved it. The story, what little there is, isn’t of much concern here. For the most part, Dragon Wars is actually kind of enjoyable, in a really dumb, cheesy kind of way – think of a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. As a matter of fact, the only uniquely interesting thing about the movie is that it isn’t an American production, but an Asian one, specifically South Korea.

Supposedly based on an ancient Korean legend, a 200-meter-long evil serpent called Buraki is denied a chance at immortality when two young lovers, who are to perform the ceremony, run away and leap to their deaths in 1507 AD. 500 years later in Los Angeles, the man is reincarnated as American news reporter Ethan (Jason Behr), who as a child was given a powerful pendant by an elderly antiques dealer named Jack (Robert Forster) and now has to find the reincarnated woman, Sarah (Amanda Brooks), before her 20th birthday.

“D-War” is a film that looks and sounds amazing, in theory, but the execution is so poor that you’ll rightfully feel that you’ve been cheated by the time the credits roll. The film’s human players are paper-thin caricatures and deliver cheap, insipid dialogue in scenes that rarely connect. More importantly, when you pay to see a movie called Dragon Wars, you expect it to, at least, live up to its title. The biggest flaw of Hyung-rae Shim’s film is that it barely even does that, focusing most of its energy on a mumbo-jumbo plot about destiny: Dialogue about fate and destiny peppered with more weird names than you can shake a stick at takes up about half the running time, and it just plain confusing. On more than one occasion, a character asks another, “what are you talking about?” and you get the impression that no one really knows the answer.

But you don’t come to a movie called Dragon Wars for the story or the performances. You want to see some tail stomping and some flame throwing. And for a few minutes in the final reel, D-Wars delivers. There are two sequences – an attack on Los Angeles by the armies of evil and the final battle between the good and bad dragon – where D-War finally delivers. In fact, the attack sequence is clearly what the entire film was built around; an impressive battle between flying creatures and helicopters that almost feels like it was transported from a better movie.

“D-War” unfortunately comes off as cousin to the American adaptation of “Godzilla” (1998) than anything that is uniquely Korean. Also, the story seems to take itself a little too seriously, the acting and direction seem mediocre at best, and the execution is flawed; maybe the director was trying to do too much without really working out the material in greater detail first.

All in all, Dragon Wars is what it is, and if you’re interested in it for whatever reasons, then chances are that you know what you’re getting here: Another “B”-grade monster movie. With no blood or nudity, virtually no bad language, and monsters galore, Shim’s picture is suitable for youngsters and delivers enough goofy fun to keep adults from getting too restless. When asked why they liked the movie, my children replied, “because it has giant dragons,” and for kids that’s a perfectly fine rationale.

Goozlepipe Rating:Liked it

Popularity: 5%

Release: 2006
Runtime: 1 hour, 26 min
Genre: Drama, Horror, Thriller
Language: English
MPAA Rating: R
Starring: Cory Knauf, Samuel Child, Joseph McKelheer, Mackenzie Firgens, Rebekah Hoyle, Brittany Daniel

Amazon Link: The Hamiltons

SYNOPSIS: A low-budget frightener about a seemingly picture-perfect suburban family who harbors a terrible secret. When their parents are killed in a tragic accident, the eldest Hamilton sibling David (Samuel Child) relocates the family to a quiet California suburb and assumes the responsibility of caring for his orphaned siblings Wendell (Joseph McKelheer), Darlene (Mackenzie Firgens), and Francis (Cory Knauf). While twins Wendell and Darlene seem to share a incestuous bond that segregates them from the rest of the family, Francis the angst-ridden emo teen, acquires a video camera and sets out to film his family for a school project. As the all-seeing camera begins to reveal something malevolent in the Hamilton’s home, the youngest sibling is forced to choose between following family traditions or sparing the lives of his family’s victims.

Having seen several of the 2006 After Dark Horrorfest films, I’m beginning to think that I’ve been duped by the marketing machine at Lionsgate. The trailers and web site would have you believe that Liongate has gathered a horrorifying bevy of flicks as too “extreme” for normal audiences. So far, the only After Dark title worth watching has been Gravedancers. Others like Penny Dreadful and Dark Ride were lame at best. However, the worst so far is The Hamiltons – an amateurish, emo mess that deserves nothing less than an honored place in the direct-to-video bargain bin. The Hamiltons is directed by Mitchell Altieri and Phil Flores under the moniker, The Butcher Brothers. With a name like that I had visions of a pair of disreputable gomers selling ‘homemade’ gorno movies out of the back of their Buick Regal, but the reality of their creative juices is far worse.

The Hamiltons are an orphaned group of siblings having difficulty adjusting to life after the death of their parents. Eldest brother David has taken up the patriarchal mantle and does his best keeping to support the family, when he isn’t busy trolling for homosexual drifters and transients. The twins Wendell and Darlene are extremely close after their parents’ death. How close? Well… to put it bluntly, they are incestuously close. The only ‘normal’ member of the family is the younger, angst-ridden brother Francis, who seems to have escaped the bizarre hunger afflicting his siblings. Oh, and then there is the unseen creature locked-up in the basement behind a chained door. So far the premise might sound intriguing, but trust me it isn’t nearly as good as it sounds.

While the DVD cover art suggests this is just another bandwagon-jumping slice of ‘torture-porn’, the reality is actually somewhat different and everyone in the room is now dumber for having watched it (apologies to Billy Madison). Feeling more like an indie drama written by emo kids than a horror flick, the movie is jam-packed with all the things that make low budget films so irritating: Clumsy screenwriting, wooden acting, stagnant pacing and a delusional sense of self-importance running rampant throughout.

You could probably describe The Hamiltons as Party of Five or Dawsons Creek with cannibals, incest and relatives locked behind closed doors ala V.C. Andrews, but that’d be way too kind. The Hamiltons feels more like an hour-long After School Special grafted to a few scenes of murder and mayhem. Viewers are supposed to find it ceaselessly shocking that the 4 ‘teen-somethings dabble in kidnapping, murder, blood-drinking and (of course) incest, but the story is presented in such dry and formless fashion, it’s tough to really care about the mess, bloody or otherwise. And the less said about the two ‘twists’ (what’s actually wrong with the family and what is in the box) the better, mainly because they’re predictable but also because they’re just stupid.

Goozlepipe Rating:Hated it

Popularity: 1%

“By dulling the blade of tyranny, I reconciled Rome to the monarchy.”
Release: 1977
Runtime: 10 hours, 50 min (13-part miniseries)
Genre: Drama, History
Language: English
MPAA Rating: N/A
Starring: Derek Jacobi, Siân Phillips, Brian Blessed, George Baker, John Hurt, Margaret Tyzack, Ian Ogilvy, Frances White, John Paul

Amazon Link: I, Claudius

SYNOPSIS: Do you think history is boring? I, Claudius is proof that history can be popular and entertaining as any soap opera. The 1977 mini-series, starring many well-known theatrical performers of the day, I, Claudius is one of, if not the, greatest productions proving that the lofty and the sordid were not mutually exclusive. The miniseries offers a politically astute version of history that reveals what happened when the togas came off.

This popular 13-episode BBC mini-series makes for irresistible viewing whether you have any interest in the early history of the Roman Empire or not. Covering the period from the later years of Augustus’s rule (27BC – 14AD) as the first emperor of Rome to the death of Emperor Claudius (October 13, 54AD), I, Claudius peers at the social and political underpinnings and developments of the Roman Empire through the eyes of Claudius, an often-overlooked member of the emperor’s family.

Historically, his family, the Julio-Claudians, kept Claudius out of public life until his sudden elevation to emperor at the age of 49. A young male connected to the family line of Emperor Augustus, Claudius suffers from a stammer, a limp, and various nervous tics, which made him appear mentally deficient (currently believed to be Cerebral Palsy or Tourette Syndrome). However, Claudius maintained a keen intellect, and observed the events around him with meticulous precision.

Based on two novels (I, Claudius and Claudius the God) by historian Robert Graves, I, Claudius delves into conspiracies, ruthless murders and cover-ups, betrayal, seduction and madness; where scheming men wore togas and struggled for power while the women got married and stayed in the background – sometimes in the best position of all when it came to moving their chess pieces around.

Claudius, (Derek Jacobi) who twitches his head and stammers over every other word, watches his friends and relations die off, one by one, poisoned by the ruthless and destructive Livia (Sian Phillips) as she grooms her son Tiberius (George Baker) to become the second emperor of Rome.

First, however, Livia must deal with the mercurial first emperor, Augustus (Brian Blessed), loved by all. This vital, vibrant figure is desperate to find an heir whom he can bestow the Imperial legacy: He is not particularly fond of Tiberius. It becomes almost comic as Augustus chooses new favorites, and one by one, Livia poisons or frames them for crimes they did not commit.

Young Claudius learns quickly to play the fool. He does a fine job avoiding Livia’s deadly notice, since the series cuts back and forth between Claudius the younger and his last days as an old, wizened, wise emperor in 54 A.D., poring over his biography and fretting over the fate of his maniacal son, Nero (Christopher Biggins).

There aren’t many things wrong with this series. In spite of its length, it rarely drags, and the story is so complex that it would not have been possible to do it in a shorter space of time. The main advantage in adapting the novels is that they contain very little actual dialogue, so the writer, Jack Pulman, was able to make the characters talk in a style that is comfortable for modern viewer. One could complain that it should have been shot on film rather than videotape, but at least the performances are uniformly excellent regardless of the format. The murders, double-crossings, and various affairs seem to be drawn from a fictional paperback found on drugstore shelves – not in the pages of a history book. Nevertheless, I Claudius stays true to the written accounts of Roman Emperor Claudius.

With superb theatrical performances by the entire cast, I, Claudius is an engrossing storyline about the true-to-life people and events that shaped the history of ancient Rome. Like popular prime-time soap operas, viewers are captivated by the intrigue surrounding the various characters without even realizing they’re learning history in the process. Given its historical accuracy, brilliant dialogue, and ingenious performances, I, Claudius is compulsive entertainment that moves at a breakneck pace.

Popularity: 2%

“Poetry doesn’t belong to those who write it; it belongs to those who need it”
Release: 1995
Runtime: 1 hour, 48 min
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: Italian/Spanish, English subtitles
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Philippe Noiret, Massimo Troisi, Maria Grazia Cucinotta, Renato Scarpa, Linda Moretti
Amazon Link: Il Postino

SYNOPSIS: Seeking refuge from an arrest warrant on this small Italian island, the exiled Chilean poet, Pablo Neruda (Philippe Noiret) helps a simple man, Mario Ruoppolo (Massimo Troisi), find new purpose and joy through the beauty of poetry. Mario is simple man, resigned to the monotony of life on a quiet Italian island. All that changes with the arrival of Neruda, who suddenly becomes the island’s resident celebrity.

Based on the novel “Burning Patience” by Antonio Skarmeta, the movie details the life of Mario Ruoppolo who yearns for more than a fisherman’s life and dreams of better things.

Life in the simple fishing community takes on new meaning for Mario when he accepts a job as a postman for a single address, that of the famous Pablo Neruda. Everyone else on the island, we are told, is illiterate. Mario must bicycle to see Neruda at a remote hilltop outpost the writer shares with his wife, whom he treats grandly and addresses as “Amor.”

At first, Mario’s expeditions to see Neruda are cautious and polite, with Mario engaged in amusing rehearsals for each brush with greatness. Then the postman begins to grow bold. He’d like a better autograph than the “Regards, Pablo Neruda” that his first request elicits.

Touched by the younger man’s guilelessness, the poet is moved to show Mario that life on the island doesn’t need the services of a visiting poet: It already has a poetry of its own.

There’s a romantic subplot about Mario’s insistence that poetry have some practical application beyond the expression of one’s soul: For Mario intends to use poetry to win himself the beautiful Beatrice (Maria Grazia Cucinotta), who’s not much of a reader but likes being compared to a butterfly. In the process of winning her over, Mario uses a few of the Neruda’s lines to great success.

Eventually, Mario marries Beatrice and all seems to have ended happily. Unfortunately, the movie then proceeds through a series of tragic events culminating in Mario aligning himself with the Italian communists and participating in a fatal protest rally.

“The Postman” would be sickeningly sentimental if it hammered home its message too insistently. But in fact, the story is expressed with gentle grace, and it is tempered by the nuances of simple friendship between two people who both revere its own grace.

Note: There is a hint of Cyrano de Bergerac to this story, in that Mario relies on his friend’s words to seduce his love until he gains confidence in his own voice.

Awards Notes:
1995 Academy Awards Nominations
Best Picture of the Year
Best leading role actor – Massimo Troisi
Best Director – Michael Radford
Best Original Score – Luis Bacalov
Best screenplay based on previously published media – Anna Pavignano, Michael Radford, Furio Scarpelli, Giacomo Scarpelli, Massimo Troisi

Goozlepipe Rating:Really Liked It

Popularity: 1%

“Society doesn’t want free men. They talk ‘freedom,’ ‘democracy,’ anything you want, but they don’t want free men. Society wants conditioned men, men who march in step.“
Release: 1973
Runtime: 2 hours, 30 min
Genre: Drama, Adventure, Biography
Language: English
MPAA Rating: PG
Starring: Steve McQueen, Dustin Hoffman, Victor Jory, Don Gordon, Anthony Zerbe

Amazon Link: Papillon

SYNOPSIS: Papillon is the story of petty criminal Henri “Papillon” Charriere (Steve McQueen), who has been framed and convicted of murder and sentenced to life imprisonment. Along with an assorted bunch of criminals, including famed counterfeiter Louis Dega (Dustin Hoffman), he is transported to the French penal colony of French Guiana. Dega, an outcast among criminals, strikes a deal with Papillon to protect him in exchange for funding his escape attempts. Life is harsh in the colony, and escape is discouraged: first escape attempt is punished by two years in solitary confinement, a second offence being punished by five years of solitary. Regardless, Papillon never loses the desire to escape, resulting in plenty of time in solitary. Both Dega and Papillon are eventually transferred to the hell of all hells – Devil’s Island. There are no bars in this jail as the strong currents and voracious sharks ensure enough of an escape deterrent – or at least so the authorities believe.

Based upon the book by Henri Charrière, this is the story of a man who endured the unendurable, suffered the insufferable, and escaped from the inescapable. Because the film revolves around just two characters, Papillon (which is French for ‘butterfly’ – the character even sports a large tattoo of a butterfly) and Dega, the whole film lives or dies upon the work of the two leads. McQueen and Hoffman are right at home in their roles. Papillon is a man of action, a safecracker, a physical presence, and McQueen delivers his signature brand of sullen machismo, always leaping into the heart of conflict, with a perpetual squint. This is arguably the greatest performance from Steve McQueen: covering the gamut of as a captive, from naive yardbird to nearly insane inmate in solitary. Hoffman, meanwhile, plays Dega as a frail, but cunning intellectual with coke-bottle glasses thrust into a violent world. He shambles around the prison colony trying to keep his nose clean and his glasses intact.

In the penal colony, they come face to face with the worst that man and nature have to offer. Death and despair surround them at every turn, and Papillon’s first escape attempt is foiled, gaining him an extended stay at the island of St. Joseph’s reclusion camp.

Then, as Papillon, Dega, and another prisoner set out on a harrowing escape, it becomes clear that the story has been working its way toward this sequence, the grand finale. The directorial style suddenly shifts into frenetic gear and McQueen and Hoffman rise to the challenge. In what is surely one of the greatest prison escapes ever put on film, Papillon and Dega dodge bullets, traverse jungles, sail across the ocean, and brave encounters with a leper colony, a bounty hunter, an indigenous tribe and the Honduran army.

The only problem is, the movie doesn’t end there. Papillon just keeps right on going… Every time it seems like it is about to end, it doesn’t. It’s like riding in a car with someone who keeps missing turns. Without ruining the conclusion, which does eventually come, Papillon and Dega are separated and then reunited for one last fateful decision.

Whilst the story really is good, the quality of the cinematography and the performances elevate this film into the status of a classic. As an indictment of the French penal system, it serves its purpose well indeed. Whilst this is certainly not going to be to everyone’s taste, this is a fine example of an epic from the early 1970s and as some have argued an early predecessor of the action blockbusters of today.

Papillon should be noted for its achievement as one of the better escape adventures yet captured on film (others would include the equally effective The Great Escape and Escape from Alcatraz).

Awards Notes:
Academy Award nomination: Best Music, Original Dramatic Score – Jerry Goldsmith
Golden Globe nomination: Best Motion Picture Actor, Drama – Steve McQueen

Goozlepipe Rating:Really Liked It

Popularity: 1%